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There had been nothing better after a day of campaigning than going back to his tent to put himself in his deputy's expert hands. Nie Mingjue was glad for this improved version of their bathing ritual where he got to admire a naked Meng Yao. He had felt so deprived, he drew a talisman to reheat the water twice, not wanting it to end.

Later, he couldn't help but fall asleep in the middle of their conversation as he held his partner tightly against his chest under the covers.

---

He woke with a start, convinced the end of the war had been nothing but a hopeful dream. The nightmares of the Hell Hall had seemed real, though. He panicked further when he opened his eyes to see Qishan Wen colors, until he sat up and noticed Meng Yao, now wearing neutral robes, at his desk.

"...What time is it? How long did we sleep?"

“It’s only barely noon,” Meng Yao assured the alarmed man with a knowing smile.

Mingjue might be annoyed, but both he and Zewu-jun had decided that he needed the rest more than anything else.

“A Jin disciple visited earlier with a message,” he continued. “ Jin Zhongshu is inviting us to a banquet this evening. Said we should enjoy ourselves and also that there were announcements to make.”

May as well get that news out of the way, since everyone was talking about it and Mingjue would find out anyway.

“Of course, it’s up to us whether we go,” he said, diplomatically and seemingly unconcerned. “Also, there will have to be some resolution made on what to do with war prisoners.”

Meng Yao still remembered what Lan Xichen had said, but at that time he had been more focused on surviving than on whether Jin Guangshan's concern for him was feigned or not. He was not sure what he felt about it even now, but it was nothing he was willing to jeopardize his relationship with Mingjue over. His feelings about Nightless City were not complicated, however. He wanted to get as far away from it as soon as possible.

Besides, he wanted to ask Mingjue about the fate of the students that had been under him while he was a 'teacher' in Never Night and was not sure how to approach. That was already sure to be awkward without bringing his father into the conversation.

“Who put Jin Guansgshan in charge?” Nie Mingjue grumbled as he stretched his arms and stood, unconcerned about his state of undress.

He liked it when Meng Yao’s eyes lingered on his body. His clothes were neatly folded on the bedside table, clean. It seemed his partner had been up for a while, making himself busy as usual. He put on the underrobe, loosely tied it and approached him.

Meng Yao smiled tolerantly knowing that Nie Mingjue would not love the idea of Jin Guangshan setting up shop and crowing about their victory when he had to be convinced to help. Yet, if people who had been fighting so long wanted to relax there really wasn't any harm was there? Even Meng Yao knew that people could not be all work and no play.

“I guess we should go. It’s always good to keep an eye on him, and since we’re such ‘close allies’,” he said the words sarcastically, but sadly they did have a written agreement, “It would be rude not to attend. Did you send the news to Huaisang?”

His brother would surely come, eager to see Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian, and gather all the gossip possible before going home.

"I did," Meng Yao responded, brightly. "He says he will come with a surprise. Whatever that means."

Meng Yao could use a good sort of surprise for once.

He sat beside Meng Yao, and served himself a cup of the tea that sat on his desk. The statement about the prisoners surprised him. Who was having questions about what to do with Wen remnants?

“Also what is this about war prisoners?” Mingjue asked. “What is there to resolve? We must get rid of them. It’s over.”

After the desolation Qishan Wen had brought to the world, they deserved to be eliminated without a trace. Meng Yao's face tensed fell a little at Mingjue's declaration and he looked a bit uncertain.


"Some of them are just young people," he said, trying not to sound reproachful. "I know that certainly the war criminals must be punished. I heard that Wei Wuxian from Yumeng Jiang took care of Core Melting Hand personally."

Meng Yao was curious to know what kind of skilled cultivator had managed that feat. As squirely as Mingjue was about Meng Yao's father, it was Yunmeng that might become their real rival if they had disciples like that. Though a part of him was secretly pleased that a clan nearer to his home of origin had done it.

"But some of them, like the students I taught, are just empty-headed children who were indoctrinated or had no other clan to take shelter with," Meng Yao said, continued "They weren't malicious or murderers, they simply believed in the wrong people."

Surely even someone as stubborn as Nie Mingjue could see that. Meng Yao killed people who deserved it. He was not, despite what Wen Ruohan thought, some sadistic monster.

He really wasn't, was he? That's why he was able to stand besides people like Zewu-jun and Nie Mingjue.

Nie Mingjue frowned. Was Meng Yao defending Wens? Had their time with them affected him more than he let on?

"If they've already been indoctrinated, how can we ensure they won't try to avenge their clan in the future? The Wen dogs massacred our people regardless of age, I don't see why it should be our responsibility to take care of their young. Let them pass on, and the heavens shall judge if they're truly innocent or not, and reward or punish them in their next life. There's nothing else I can do."

He knew he sounded ruthless. But really, there was no way Nie Mingjue was spending a single coin to feed a Wen when he could be repairing some of the damages the war had caused. Was Meng Yao implying they should forgive those young cultivators and what, adopt them into other clans? People had been through hell because of Qishan Wen, how was it fair to be required to be merciful towards the people responsible for the destruction of their homes and death of their loved ones? Should they make altars for the Wens as well? Ridiculous.

"They didn't kill anyone," Meng Yao maintained, a little bothered at the dismissiveness in his partner's tone. "They were just born into unlucky circumstances. I know for sure that a few were there because becoming cultivators would get them a better life and perhaps help them feed their family members."

One of his students had simply been hoping to buy his father's way out of the mines. And was it their fault none of these loftier clans took them in or that they simply didn't have the resources or the skill to risk a potentially deadly journey to other territories? Wen Ruohan had started the war. And his vile sons were dead. Also, though Meng Yao knew it unkind to say aloud, he doubted any of those young people posed any real threat. Most probably would not ever trust a sect again and just want to go on their way.

In a way, Meng Yao could not blame them. If it wasn't for his own ambition and his mother's final wishes he might have done the same. He could travel to where no one knew him and he was smart enough to do almost any kind of work. Though, he did not relish the thought of being a rogue cultivator. He liked clean sheets and wine that didn't taste like vinegar.

If a sect leader couldn't do anything to balance these nuances, then what was the point of having that kind of power? Meng Yao turned back to his papers and tried not to show his disappointment. The black and white view had always been the cultivation world's way, after all.

Nie Mingjue grabbed Meng Yao's arm, and forced him to turn towards him. "Don't look away. Why are you speaking for them?" he demanded.

His partner was starting to make him feel nervous.


The point of winning this war had been to eliminate the Wens, not to intervene and attempt to reform them. It was the way all wars ended. To aid those who hadn't lifted a finger to help their cause, and had benefitted from the oppression, was unheard of. If Meng Yao said these words in front of anyone else, Nie Mingjue was afraid his allegiance would be called into question.

Meng Yao blinked, surprised at being seized so suddenly.

"Do you understand how dangerous it would be if you came out of here advocating for Wen remnants?!" Mingjue exclaimed. "Do you want to spark a debate on whether you're truly on our side?!"

What did Meng Yao think he would accomplish aside from being executed alongside the prisoners? This wasn't his first day in the cultivation world!

Meng Yao winced, startled at his lover's rising tone. He fought Hensheng’s urge to appear, alarmed. What was wrong with him? He really had been in Nightless City for far too long. He never was this jumpy at a raised voice.

Nothing a Mingjue was saying was logically unsound but …

“I wasn’t advocating for anyone,” he said quietly, looking uncomfortable. “I know that all that you are saying is true. I’ve only voiced my thoughts to you. I'm not reckless.”

Which Meng Yao had hoped was safe to do with his cultivation partner. He could do that couldn’t he? Mingjue should be the one person he didn’t need a mask for.

“I’d never say or do any to jeopardize our clan,” he said, a little stung that it wasn’t obvious.

How could Meng Yao articulate it in a way that anyone could understand? Say: when you live somewhere for months , even among enemies, you learn that there too people live and lead lives? People and places don’t remain an abstract idea after that. Though he doubted the cultivation world would neither like or what to hear it.

Could his life too, be dismissed so easily even after all he done to save them? That was what the memory of Wen Ruohan constantly whispered in his ear.

Nie Mingjue let go of Meng Yao, realizing he was making him uncomfortable. He took a deep breath. "I know you wouldn't, I just don't want anything more to happen to you because of this place and these people. I want to be done. Is that wrong of me?"

He had probably shaved decades off his life by fighting battles, what more could he give? Wens didn't deserve second chances. Especially not if it was Meng Yao having to risk his neck for them.

The expression on his partner's face made him doubt himself, though. His lover had a good, pure heart. Hadn't he even tried to defend that soldier who had insulted him the first time he tried to lead the men? Of course he would feel bad even for their enemies.

It suddenly hit him that although Meng Yao might look healthy on the surface, his mind and soul were probably on the verge of shattering after months of being beside that demon witnessing endless horror.

"I didn't mean to be harsh," he said quietly. "If you think it's righteous to consider the youngest Wens' circumstances, then we may discuss a realistic approach for it, just... Not today. Let me have you to myself for at least one day."

It would take a while for decisions to be made, especially with so much treasure and land to be split among the clans.

Meng Yao's body posture became less tense. Of course, Nie Mingjue was worried about him. Meng Yao was beginning to understand that most of his partner's emotions expressed themselves as anger. Maybe this was why Nie Huisang let it roll off of his back. He would have to learn to do the same. He smiled reassuringly at his partner.

"I take no offense," he said, amiably. "It's been a taxing couple of months. We'll speak no more of it for now."

Though the word 'righteous' bothered Meng Yao a little bit. He wasn't trying to be righteous. It made him feel pretentious. He was trying to be fair. A daunting task in a world that often was unfair. Maybe, some part of him that had always rebelled against this truth was trying to balance the scales. Maybe it was why a lot of the stricter Daoist cultivators withdrew from the mainstream - it really was nigh impossible to keep balance in their current society.

"I suppose I have gotten used to being constantly alert for the next big task," he admitted. "I guess having Minsheng has forced me to consider more about what kind of world I want for him."

It was not something that Meng Yao would have admitted to many people. He never wanted to put a child through the injustices that he had already been through even before he turned twenty. Part of why he's plucked the baby from his squalor was in knowing what could be facing him with the interference of someone powerful. Qishan Wen had had some good concepts if only they had not used them for self-serving purposes. There was used in having eyes everywhere with the Dire Owls if they had used them to actually serve the people and not just spy on and tyrannize them. Maybe in the future, sects could erect guard towers to serve the same purpose. No one clan would have control over all of the 'eyes' so it could be rather democratic if utilized correctly. Maybe when they were less exhausted, he would bring this up to Mingjue.

“It’s a noble task to attempt to change the world for our son,” Nie Mingjue acknowledged. It warmed his heart to see Meng Yao like this. It was evident his time in Nightless City hadn’t changed the righteous man that he was. He would’ve never guessed that his partner thought the word pretentious, when it described him so well.

Seeing Meng Yao relaxed, Nie Mingjue went ahead to take him by the waist and pull him onto his lap, as had been his original plan all along.

"Maybe I should learn from Huaisang to not overwork," Meng Yao joked. He grinned. "I could do my best to teach him sword arts and he could try to teach me how to procrastinate."

Mingjue chuckled when he heard that idea. It wasn’t bad. Nie Huaisang would love the task of teaching Meng Yao how to relax.

“I think that would be a fair exchange, the two of you need to learn balance. At least Huaisang has been using his hobbies for a good cause. He’s been painting A-Sheng portraits of us, so he wouldn’t forget our faces. He also made him his own tiny fan, after I scolded him for not letting A-Sheng play with his.”

Nie Mingjue didn’t think Minsheng had let go of the toy for the entirety of the week he had spent in Qinghe back then.

Meng Yao was changed though. He was glad if his lover could not tell, and he would do his best to not let it show. However, one couldn't be Wen Ruohan's right hand, even as a double agent, and not be changed. Being thought of as righteous would be an improvement to being thought the son of a whore who should not have been born, but it was a ridiculous thought that wanting the just sects to act just was anything special. Seeing how dedicated the people on the Qishan region were to the Wen Clan just because they believed that they were good and had the best interests of the lao bai xing at heart was eye-opening and a bit scary. It could just as easily have been Yunping if fate had been a little different and Jiang Wangyin was the power-mad one.

He let out a breath as he was pulled into his lover's lap. As unnerving as Mingjue's temper could be at times, he did make up for it with warmth. He was midway to laying his head on his lover's shoulder when he sat up in surprise and delight.

"Truly?" he asked. "That was very clever of him to use his talents that way. I will have to give him my gratitude. I was worried that A-Sheng might not remember me for being away these many months."

He was also never going to have the heart to be too strict with Huaisang now and the younger Nie might even know it. Well played. He grinned. Meng Yao's mood lifted knowing that he would be with his family again soon.

Nie Mingjue smiled. "He's even been waking up at the crack of dawn to spend most of the day with A-Sheng, so he wouldn't feel lonely without us. I'm happy there's at least one useful thing he isn't mediocre at," he said fondly.

The time spent apart from his brother, and seeing him do his very best to take care of his son, had inevitably softened Nie Mingjue towards him. Last time they had seen each other he hadn't even threatened him with saber training. He would have to correct that once they were home. Just because A-Sheng was his heir didn't mean Huaisang was out of the loop.

"We can't let him slack off that much, though," he added, imagining the direction of Meng Yao's thoughts.

"He must've been thrilled to see your handwriting again, but he wasn't too worried about you. He was confident you'd be too clever to die easily."

It had been surprising, given Nie Huaisang's fearful nature.

Meng Yao blinked in surprise. "Well, I'm glad for his optimism and faith in my abilities. One of the hardest parts about being away was imagining how you both must have worried."

Being dragged off my Wen Xu's men like that and then forced to send his bloodstained robes to Qinghe was why he had formulated that desperate plan with the poem. And he would have to remember to thank Huaisang for that too. Meng Yao sometimes wondered with Huaisang filling in the gaps where people least expected meant he was not more capable than he seemed, even if he was not a warrior.

"Your brother does have his own talents," Meng Yao said diplomatically. "Though it would not hurt him to become at least average with a weapon in case one of us are not around."

Meng Yao looked troubled now that he was remembering how and in what circumstances his capture had occurred. How much should he tell Mingjue? Should he let him recover first? With unstable qi, upsetting him could be risky. But, surely there was always a chance his memory would become clearer. Meng Yao was not wishing to be secretive or deceitful for the hell of it, but just mentioning his thoughts about the Wen disciples had been highly upsetting to Mingjue.

They were very different, weren't they? Meng Yao was beginning to see it more and more and it saddened him. It was too late to distance himself. He already cared. They also had Minsheng. Meng Yao could actually have a family and he did not want to lose it. He wrapped his arms around his partner and buried his face in his shoulder.

"I've...." he faltered. Then, " I want you to know, I can tell you anything about the time away and even my life before. I know with this chaos we haven't had time to do that. But I also think that you are right that we deserve the rest and to relax without over-focusing on the war. So, maybe, perhaps when we get home...I just wanted you to know you could ask me anything."

This was the most ineloquent Meng Yao had ever sounded and it made his ears turn red to feel so foolish. But if he did not take the chance to say this now, he might be afraid to later and if Mingjue's memories all flooded back at the worst time, it would be awful.

Was it wrong to postpone it until they were all calmer and happier? Maybe when Mingjue was healthier and perhaps prone to taking it better? Maybe in time, even if they were never close with Jin Clan, Meng Yao could fix it so that they were at least all cordial. Tonight, he did not want to think about any of that.

Nie Mingjue gently caressed Meng Yao’s hair. He was always so confident while speaking, it was adorable when his words faltered. “I will keep it in mind, though I don’t want you to relive any horrors for my sake. But if you think your burden would be lessened by sharing, then I’m willing to listen to every detail.”

He trusted his partner, and he felt no need to interrogate him. Regardless of whatever had happened at Nightless City and the lies he must’ve told to survive, or his life at the brothel, he was still the same man he loved. Everyone had parts of their past they were embarrassed about. It meant a lot to him, that Meng Yao was making such an invitation. It was a privilege to be allowed into the walls he had built to protect himself.

“I love you, A-Yao.”

Nie Mingjue didn’t have to force it out this time, it flowed naturally alongside his feelings. He coaxed Meng Yao out of hiding in order to capture his lips with his eagerly.

“…Can we go back to bed? I think my qi needs stabilizing,” he said breathlessly a while later.

There was no way he was waiting until after the banquet to have him.

The smaller man's dimples were prominent as he grinned at his cultivation partner's statement.

"We can't have unstabilized qi," he tutted. "That sounds serious. We should return to bed right away." He placed another kiss on the man's lips. "I love you too, A-Jue."

This was what he had wanted to get back to. Yes, they could forget the rest of the cultivation world and enjoy each other for now.


- - - - - - -

Huaisang arrived with a tiny companion in tow. He had promised Meng Yao a surprise and meant to keep his word. And even though it made him shudder, he even traveled on his saber even if he had no intention to carry it around after he dropped it off in his room. Nie Zhongui had come along to make sure Huaisang was steady and did not crash with the child. Though Minsheng mostly slept through it all.

He knocked on his Da Ge’s door , excitedly anticipating his reaction

Nie Mingjue blinked in surprise upon opening the door, not expecting to see Minsheng in Huaisang's arms.

"A-Sang," he said, beamed, and stepped forward to embrace both of them. His family would be reunited, at last. There was so much happiness in his heart at this moment, it was as if the angry saber spirit had never existed.

"Baba!" Minsheng said gleefully, instantly extending his tiny arms toward him. Nie Mingjue's heart melted. He had only heard Minsheng call him that a handful of times.

"I didn't expect you to bring A-Sheng," he said, as he took the baby into his arms. "But thank you. A-Yao is going to cry. Come in."

He went into the bedroom without saying anything, hoping to surprise his partner. The moment he laid eyes on him, Minsheng observed him carefully for a few seconds, before once again exclaiming: "Baba!" this time toward Meng Yao.

Nie Mingjue glanced back towards Nie Huaisang, shocked. How did Minsheng learn that?

Meng Yao blinked sleepily and then sat straight up, his head snapping in Huaisang's direction.

"A-Sheng!" he cried, in pure disbelief as though not sure he was awake.

For once in his very self-conscious life, Meng Yao did not even pay attention to his half-dressed state. He moved in a whirl and had his arms around his baby son in an eye blink.

Huaisang watched moment unfold behind his fan, afraid that someone might spot his eyes dewing up as well as Meng Yao fussed cooed and tears ran down the smaller man's cheeks.

"Your hair has gotten so long and you're legs are longer," Meng Yao half sobbed. "When did you grow much? And I missed it all! And you're talking?? You're so clever and handsome! I'll never, never, be away from you that long again, I promise. How did you recognize me?"

"I have been drawing pictures of you both," Huaisang explained, fanning himself awkwardly, but looking pleased. "I've been pointing to them and saying 'Baba'. I think he understands. He is smart like his Xiaoshu."

Meng Yao's gratitude showed in his eyes as he said, "Those portraits must be very good. You'll have to show me. I'd love to see them."

Huaisang grinned, feeling his ego grow a bit bigger. Now, this was why they needed Meng Yao back. Someone in Qinghe needed to appreciate culture and art. He noticed that his brother had a noticeably different energy too. If this continued, Da Ge would be ruling as sect leader for many years, despite his gloom and doom warnings of not being around forever.

Meng Yao kissed Minsheng's tiny hands, his head, his cheeks, and his ears and doted on his child as though he had seen hope again after a nightmare. Perhaps he had. Huaisang could only imagine. He did not know how Meng Yao had had the stomach to survive in Qishan. Minsheng gurgled and squirmed as though this was simply his rights.

Nie Mingjue watched as Minsheng giggled, delighted by the attention. He extended his arms and clumsily hugged Meng Yao's neck, like he understood the situation and wanted to comfort his parent. Nie Mingjue hadn't thought the baby capable of learning how to call Meng Yao just with the portraits, but clearly their baby was smarter than he gave him credit for.

"He missed you," he said, coming closer to rest his hand on the small of his lover's back.

He smiled at Huaisang in gratitude as well. His brother had only really known Meng Yao for the short time they had spent together in Qinghe, and yet he had readily accepted him as part of the family. He wondered if it was because of Meng Yao's merit or simply because Huaisang was relieved to see him with a partner after the idea had seemed so farfetched before the war.

Meng Yao looked down in absolute joy at Minsheng’s little face, a bit embarrassed at his tears, Huaisang had gained an ally for life with this action. That, and making sure the little one would not forget him. He ran his hand delightedly through Minsheng’s hair. Soon there would be enough of it to tie up.

‘’He will be okay here, right?” Meng Yao asked Huaisang anxiously. “Has he started solid foods?”

“He gobbles up anything he can chew,” the younger Nie replied. “Including fans.”

With that said, Huaisang whipped out a small toy fan he had made for the child. It had a few delicately painted bamboo shoots on it.

Minsheng accepted it gladly an immediately began to teeth on it. Huaisang sighed in defeat, causing
Meng Yao to laugh. He had almost forgotten genuine laughter. Looking up at his lover, he smiled.

“I’m just glad his Xiaoshu has taken such gone care of him,” he replied.

“Mn. He’s a very good eater. I had to keep him away from my own food,” Nie Mingjue replied. Minsheng was a very resilient baby. A good quality for a Nie.

“Shushu!” Minsheng said, toy fan still in his mouth, and pointed at Huaisang upon hearing the word.

Once again, Nie Mingjue was surprised. Not too long ago, the little boy could only say ‘gege,’ not truly knowing what it meant. Now he could identify them correctly! He was proud.

“We should get ready for the banquet,” he reminded Meng Yao, seeing as they were still in their under robes.

Nie Mingjue wasn’t looking forward to it. He’d much rather share a meal with his family and continue to ignore the cultivation world, but it was his duty. At least having a baby would give them a perfect excuse to leave early.

Meng Yao grinned at the thought of the baby stealing food from a Nie Mingjue who was wrapped around his finger. His mouth dropped open in delight as Minsheng casually dropped another word. He gently pinched one of the baby's chubby cheeks.

"Clever boy!" he praised.

Minsheng did not care for having his cheek tugged and gave him a gurgle of disapproval and a look of reproach that reminded him way too much of his cultivation partner. Meng Yao could not help but chuckle again. He did not think he would laugh this much so soon after....everything. It felt good. What a blessing this child was.

"I suppose so," Meng Yao agreed, trying not to show his reluctance.

Having rested the majority of a day, he had no idea what the general opinion of his being a spy would be. He supposed he should be prepared for anything. Though, perhaps as long as he was welcome in Nie Clan it did not matter if he had clan-wide popularity or not. As long as it did not cause problems for Qinghe Nie, Meng Yao would commit to not letting it get to him.

Huaisang seemed to pick up something in Meng Yao's mood. Perhaps because it was usually he that was the one people whispered about behind their sleeves in disapproval. "My Shixiong from my time attending classes at Gusu should be at the banquet too. Maybe you will get to meet them."

Nie Mingjue also laughed upon seeing Minsheng's expression. No one would have trouble believing they were related if he continued to copy his expressions so accurately.

He was certain Meng Yao was going to garner plenty of attention. Not only was he the war hero who had slayed Wen Ruohan, he would also sit beside him, making it obvious that Nie Mingjue considered him to be of his same rank, and if that wasn't enough, he would be holding a baby that Chifeng-zun recognized as his son. People would have plenty to speculate, though he wasn't planning to indulge their curiosity. In due time, everyone would officially know who exactly Meng Yao was, and what he meant to him.

"You can also meet Xichen's brother," he added. Not the friendliest man alive, but surely Meng Yao was curious about Lan Xichen's family.

Hopefully the Jins would keep to themselves. Though seeing how shamelessly Jin Guangshan had behaved towards them in the past, Nie Mingjue didn't know what to expect.

-------

Meng Yao learned that the things people feared were often built bigger in their minds as long as one was prepared for them. He made the small talk necessary with sect leaders and others. Modestly accepted their praise and the title that everyone seemed to be calling him now, 'Lianfang-zun'. It was hard not to feel a little giddy. He had not dreamed to have an honor like that. Not since the time he was fourteen and had shakily picked himself up off of the steps of Jinlintai. He was careful to be modest about it enough to not seem boastful, but not so meek that people would think he was easy to take advantage of. Besides, it was not so hard to act casual or to avoid his father's gaze even though he felt Jin Guangshan's eyes on him. Not as long as he finally belonged somewhere.

Lan Wangji was certainly taciturn and it took Meng Yao aback how unlike Xichen he was in personality despite the Twin Jades similar looks. Wei Wuxian Meng Yao was not sure what to make of. People whispered about him almost more than Meng Yao, which in a way, he supposed he should feel grateful for. Mostly, he was happy to be with Minsheng whom he had not yet put down.

What was hard were the things people never even thought to worry over.

From the moment he stepped into the Hell Hall, Nie Mingjue was distracted. It was fortunate that his partner didn’t require his input to deal with the curious guests. As much as he would like to deny it, the trepidation he had experienced when dragged here to stand in front of Wen Ruohan and Meng Yao had been overwhelming. The longer he spent in this place, the more he recalled the feelings, though the details were still foggy.

He stared at the throne behind Jin Guangshan… Wen Ruohan hadn’t even stood from that thing once.

Then, his words came to him, loud and clear as if his ghost was speaking in his ear:

“Nie Mingjue, are you really this surprised? Did you think Meng Yao would have any appreciation for the Nie Sect? He joined your troops on my son’s command, and endured your attentions to report back to me.”

He stood from the table abruptly, having heard nothing of what Huaisang was telling him.

He saw Meng Yao’s cruel smirk as he killed his captain after one single provocative comment. There had been no hesitation, no regret, and then Wen Ruohan had claimed Meng Yao had been his spy. He recalled all the times he had felt surveyed during the campaign. The Wen dogs’ claims of the spy being someone close to him. The burned down town where they had found Minsheng, only attacked because the Wens had known he wasn’t there to protect it. If that was true then…

How could Meng Yao be holding this baby, looking so content and satisfied, when he was partly responsible for his blood parents' deaths?

Nie Mingjue felt sick.

“Meng Yao,” he said, his tone hollow. “Follow me.”

He turned around and left the hall in quick strides, not bothering to check if the other was behind him.

-----

New Chapter

Meng Yao blinked in surprise at Nie Mingjue's abruptness. Had someone said something to him that upset him? Regardless, he didn't like that tone.

"A-Sang, can you hold Minsheng for a moment?" he asked.

The younger Nie was also looking after his Da Ge with concern. "Of course, I'm always ready to do that."

Meng Yao was grateful that Huaisang and Minsheng had become close despite his envy of it. He would have felt awful if the baby had started to cry. But what was this pit in his own stomach? Meng Yao got a bad feeling.

He knew, of course, that no matter what that he and Mingjue would eventually have to have a conversation about the things he would rather forget. And Meng Yao was too sharp not to be able to at least fear that this was what this was about. Of course, it would happen at the most inopportune time. He had hoped to be able to talk to his partner about this when they were both in Qinghe, much less stressed, and had some time to heal from the effects of this war.

Of course, maybe some foolish sect leader or even his father had simply rubbed Nie Mingjue the wrong way. Meng Yao could hope it was only something like that.

Nie Mingjue didn't stop until they were out of the building. He took a deep breath, the atmosphere of the Hell Hall had been asphyxiating, though he didn't feel much better. How could he?

He turned around to face Meng Yao.

"You said I could ask you anything about what happened " he said. "I remember most of it, now. You killed my captain. You looked... as if you had enjoyed it."

Meng Yao followed. The wind whipped his hair as he walked.

The spider lilies are always blooming here, he thought as he observed the landscape.

How odd it was that Jinlintai had peonies and Nightless City had these flowers - it was fabled these blooms led the way to the underworld when one died. Fitting to be placed outside of a dwelling dubbed 'hell hall'. Yunmeng had Lotuses. He wondred if Qinghe and Gusu had noteworthy flowers.

Meng Yao's heart sank to his toes as Mingjue began speaking. So, he did recall it all now. Or at least enough of it.

Nie Mingjue didn't pose it as a question, though he desperately wished that Meng Yao would act confused, that this image he had in his head was nothing but a vivid nightmare. He wished none of it had actually happened, because if it had, if it was true...

If it was true, then who was this man?

"Then Wen Ruohan said it was Wen Xu who had ordered you to join my troops," he whispered. The more he thought of it, the more sense it made. This also explained why Meng Yao had travelled all the way to Hejian to join his army. His heart sank.

I can't avoid this forever. Meng Yao thought.

"I made a promise," he said, quietly, struggling to meet Mingjue's eyes. "That I would answer to it all. I hoped to do it in a better place and at a better time."

He was afraid. But this was the man he called A-Jue. This was the sect leader that had believed in him and just hours ago was holding him so possessively. If he could not tell this person the truth, then was there anyone in the world he could be himself with?

"You remember the first day you called me into your tent? You asked me: why didn't I go to Yunmeng?" Meng Yao paused and swallowed, looking as though he was recalling something painful. "I told you about the body parts the Wen soldiers were sending back of people who tried to flee Yunping to join Jiang Zongzhu. I told you I fled to Hejian to avoid that. But, that was not true. I did try to go to Yunping. I was captured by Wen Xu's men. I thought for sure I was going to get sent back as one of those dismembered corpses as a warning."

He paused and looked distant as though he was telling a story about someone else. Or, at least, disassociating so that he could get through the telling.

"I tried to talk my way out of my fate," he went on. "Wen Xu laughed and said that I was so clever that he was half convinced. But he wasn't going to just let me leave with my life. I had to prove I was not a threat. I could spy on you or he would torch Yunping to the ground and kill me anyway. I begged him not to burn my village."

Meng Yao seemed to come back to the present. For his part, there was shame and actual pain shining in his eyes. "I never intended to actually do anything for Qishan Wen. They butchered my people. But if I could live, I could make things go wrong for them. I couldn't do it without making it seem like I was helping them. Do you remember how you would get ambushed but it would never go quite as they planned? Or when they would attack someplace, and even if they did gain ground our casualties were lower? That was me sabotaging them. But I wasn't....I didn't think..."

Meng Yao trembled a little. "I wasn't supposed to grow attached to anyone much less fall in love with their sect leader. When I thought it was safe to do so, I damaged the tracking pendant they had me carrying. When the Wens captured me, Wen Xu didn't even bother with me, he sent me straight to his father for execution. Because, obviously, I had betrayed them. But I managed to convince Wen Ruohan that I simply lost it. That there was no way for me to resume contact and that was why I fell off the grid. He believed it because I made up a story about trying to find out what your weakness was. I told him it was Baxia hoping that they would target your saber and not you. He believed me. I saw my chance to spy fort the right side and I took it. I let them destroy my robes and I left the poem in my pocket hoping that you, Zewu-jun, or Huaisang would be able to figure it out somehow."

Meng Yao took a step forward hoping that the man wouldn't attack him or push him away even though he could feel Hensheng twitching as though screaming at him to be cautious.

"How else could I make up for the things I had to do? It had to be me in Nightless City. I was the only one who could pull it off and end the war in months instead of years. As for your captain...what other face could I have shown? I needed to look my cruelest and most heartless. Wen Ruohan was a mad man, he wasn't stupid. I couldn't show him that it bothered me. I couldn't look sympathetic to you. We would have both died. I sacrificed the one person I was willing to. Whether you believe I enjoyed it or not, A-Jue, if it came down to some drunken fool of a captain and you that's not even a choice!"

Meng Yao's voice broke at last as though finally releasing something that had been dammed up. He'd done it. He'd said it all. The worst secrets.

Nie Mingjue listened, the rising horror keeping him from interrupting Meng Yao's story, his heart beating faster with every word he spoke.

It was true.

Meng Yao, the man he had thought to be honest, righteous, gentle, kind, sweet... had been lying to him from the moment they had met. But he had seemed so earnest, how could he have manipulated him to this extent? Nie Mingjue felt his stomach churn. He had never allowed anyone to be this close to him, and now he had been made an absolute fool of himself.

Maybe Wen Xu had truly threatened Yunping. If that was the case, though, why didn't Meng Yao tell him the truth? Instead, he had let him go get ambushed and then had spent days personally nursing him back to health. How twisted was that?

And he believed he was justified because they hadn't had 'that many' casualties? How could Meng Yao be so heartless to work, sleep and eat besides his men when he knew he would have to sacrifice any of them for his next scheme? Who was he to decide the fate of his soldiers like that?

"You thought you were helping by lying to me? Stabbing one man in the back may be a lesser evil than stabbing hundreds, but choosing to do either is still evil! You sacrificed the person you were willing to?" Nie Mingjue wasn't sure if the tears in his eyes were caused by rage or heartbreak. "It was your choice to kill him. You could've wounded him, you could've made it seem like you were taking your time, as you did with me, but you didn't. You never liked him, did you? So his life meant nothing to you."

How many times had Meng Yao done this?

"If I had told the truth that day, how could I be sure you would believe me?" Meng Yao, countered, stung that Mingjue didn't understand what seemed obvious to him. "Because you come from a 'righteous sect' I should automatically know to trust you? You know what happened to me. Furthermore, once upon a time, the Qishan Wen clan was supposed to be the most righteous sect. Look how that turned out for everyone who believed that lie. Trust a sect leader? It took me a long time to trust anyone."

Meng Yao raised his head and a tear rolled down his cheek. He didn't bother with wiping it. "But I wanted to trust you. Even if it was just a little bit. Can't you see that what I wanted or didn't want was irrelevant? A misstep of trust can cost everything. Yes, I had to make a choice. You can't always be neutral. It just doesn't work. Do you have time to think through every moral nuance when you are swinging that saber of yours? Or do you have to make a split-second decision and live with the consequences? My regard for your captain doesn't change that truth. You say that like it means something - am I not allowed to dislike people? He did not like me either. And he wasn't a good captain. All he did was drink your wine and lord his power over your weaker subordinates and he called my mother - "

Meng Yao clenched his jaw. "It doesn't matter. You think you're defending a good person? Do you think I'm the only person in the world who is duplicitous??? At least in my case, I wasn't using my position to abuse people. But what does any of that matter if you can't believe me?"

Another tear rolled down his face and another. This wasn't what was supposed to happen. Mingjue should not be looking at him like that, not if he meant it when he said he 'loved' him.

Nie Mingjue laughed bitterly at that little speech about trust. "You couldn't be bothered to trust me, but what did I do? I knew nothing about you either."

Less, actually, because at least as Chifeng-zun he had a reputation for being a honorable man. "And yet I thought I saw good in you, and I put myself in your hands. I told you my every thought about this campaign, so you could turn around and choose what to tell Wen Xu. Do you expect me to be grateful?! Happy?! You crafted this whole persona so I wouldn't suspect you, and I was foolish enough to fall in love with that. Wen Ruohan had to be the one to tell me! If he hadn't, you never would have."

To realize he didn't truly know Meng Yao at all hurt the most.

Meng Yao's heart cracked further hearing that laugh. It was like being sneered at. And usually, he could take that. Had he not had to brush that off so many times before? But not from Mingjue. From Mingjue it actually stabbed him like knives.

"If you had any grievances against him, you could've told me, instead of waiting for a chance to stab him with no consequences." He said through gritted teeth. It wasn't that Meng Yao wasn't allowed to dislike people. It was just news to him that he was that vicious about it. It sounded as absurd as if someone told him that Huaisang was actually a schemer. "And you did abuse your position. You misled me every step of the way. At least when I 'swing that saber' I'm straightforward. My enemy knows what we're there for. I don't play mind games and then hope no one ever finds out."

"Whose blood was it, on those robes?"

Back then, he had thought Meng Yao was traumatized by something he had seen. Now, Mingjue was fearing he hadn't wanted to admit something he had done.

Meng Yao's blood froze. He'd been wrong before. He had not revealed all of his horrible secrets. He hiccuped and did not answer the question. Why should he? He already said before that he did not want to revisit that memory and Mingjue had already made up his mind. Meng Yao could see it in his face. He let out a heartbroken sob. To Meng Yao, his emotions were not complicated at all. He felt let down. He felt like an absolute fool to entertain the thought that someone could accept him. They never could. They either found out about his mother, or they found out he wasn't a cute, helpless little damsel.

"Why should I tell you?" he snapped. "Do you tell me everything? You never told me your saber spirit was going to kill you - but you let me care about you. You let me get close and adopt a child with you? How is that fair? I let it go because I, of all people, no what it's like to keep secrets to protect myself. And because even knowing that: it was too late. I loved you anyway."

And now you look at me like you don't know me.


Mingjue took a step back. He may not know who this man was, but his love wasn't something he could turn off. He hated to see Meng Yao cry, even if all of this was the consequences of his own actions. He didn't know what to feel, what to do.

"Don't you dare make that comparison! That was a family secret, and I thought I had it under control, until you were taken. That was the first time I realized..." He shook his head.

This wasn't the time to give details about the way he had lost control back then.

"If truly all I was out to do was deceive you then I wouldn't have told you all of this!" Meng Yao shouted in desperation.

How could he be this bullheaded? Was Mingjue misunderstanding him on purpose? Was this some kind of sadistic punishment for disappointing him? And why was he still looking at him like that?

"I .... I need some time to think."

Overwhelmed, he turned around to leave.

Meng Yao's face went as pale as the moon hanging above him as he saw the man he thought had loved him turn his back and he panicked. Without thinking of the consequences he darted forward to wrap his arms around him from behind, to somehow pull him back, make him stay, anything, anything but abandon him. He couldn't go through that again. He couldn't face that again. He would apologize, he would allow Mingjue to hit him - who cared? Would it hurt any more than the other times people had beaten him? Even Hensheng couldn't get through to Meng Yao and make him value his own life at this moment.


Nie Mingjue came to a sudden halt. If it had been anyone else, he would've shaken them off, pushed them to the ground for daring to stop him when he had made it clear he was done. But this was the man he loved, the one he had wanted to marry until a few minutes ago.

He could easily overpower Meng Yao, and yet he was rooted to the spot.

He needed time to organize his thoughts and feelings. Why couldn't Meng Yao see that he couldn't immediately be fine with having been deceived for almost a year? Yes, it was true he had saved his life and ended the war, but Nie Mingjue was in love with a person he wasn't sure was real anymore. He couldn't rush into marriage with someone who hadn't even apologized once for never trusting him.

After a moment, he took hold of Meng Yao's wrists, and slowly but firmly pried him away from him. "Don't follow me," he said. "I'll find other accomodations for tonight."

Once again, he turned around to leave. He couldn't keep looking at Meng Yao's face, or he would give in.

Meng Yao trembled slightly as he landed against Nie Mingjue's back. No matter what else he was feeling, he couldn't help calm a little at the now-familiar sensation. When his partner started to turn he felt a tiny pinprick of hope. Then hands were wrapping around his wrist, which Meng Yao didn't resist, but before he could gain the clarity to open his mouth he was being pushed away.

The words settled in Meng Yao's stomach like cold stones. He froze. Why didn't Mingjue just execute him if he really thought Meng Yao had been betraying him this whole time? But, the smaller man felt like someone had closed fingers around his throat. He couldn't speak or move when Mingjue turned and continued to walk away. He watched in mounting anxiety as his lover's figure got smaller and further away.

Meng Yao didn't realize his feet had gone out from under him until he hit the ground with a thud. He wanted to compose himself, but the tears continued to roll down his face until they blurred his vision. His breaths came shallow. His skin was starting to feel like it was burning despite it being cool to the touch. He choked out another sob, frightened, or at least he thought it was going to be a sob. But when he coughed, his hand came away red. He gagged.

Meng Yao had kept himself relatively healthy even if he was smaller in weight while being a spy, but he had relied on his own qi a lot these past months to do the job for him when he wasn't resting or eating as he should. If he'd started cultivating at the right age, he would be fine. But, for a lower developed cultivator, it was a strain. Clearly, more than he'd anticipated. This new shock to his system was the last straw for his qi after months of living with fear, the strain on his psyche, and less than optimal self-care. The burning in his body was ramping up in intensity. He fell over, desperately trying to breathe. His eyes landed on one of the red lilies and it was almost funny. What an ironic backdrop. He coughed again. Maybe he should stop fighting so hard to make this life work and just reincarnate into the next one. Maybe in the next life he wouldn't be miserable.

I...can't move... he realized dimly. He shuddered, letting his eyes lid. What is happening to me?

Cold sweat beaded on his brow and stung his heated skin. His heart was going to melt in his chest. Well, where had that thing gotten him anyway? He coughed again, and from the wet splash on the ground he was not done expelling blood. He didn't realize he had swooned until he felt the impact of the ground against his body.

If Jin Guangshan had known all it would take for Nie Mingjue’s regard towards Meng Yao to crumble was bringing him to the Hell Hall, he would’ve somehow dragged the man there from the moment he had arrived to Nightless City. That way, the banquet wouldn’t have been so unpleasant.

All evening people had been talking about Lianfang-zun’s great contributions to the Sunshot Campaign, and he had caught several minor sect leaders staring at Jin Guangshan and whispering among themselves. His staff reported that they had heard many wonder how he could’ve turned away such a brilliant young man. Clearly, he had poor judgment. Lanling Jin, the wealthiest, largest sect, and also the one that had done the least to defeat the Wen dogs.

Jin Guangshan wanted to poison their beverages.

If he didn’t turn around the public opinion soon, he wouldn’t be able to become Chief Cultivator.

Bringing Meng Yao back to Jinlintai would be a step in the right direction - and the beastly idiot, Nie Mingjue had given him a perfect chance.

Although things were working in his favor and he was quite pleased, he couldn’t help but feel a bit sorry for the boy, lying still on the ground, a trickle of blood on the corner of his mouth. How pathetic. Meng Shi had taught him nothing.

“A-Yao,” he called, as he approached the prone figure.

He received no response. That was a lot of blood the boy has spat out. Was he unconscious? Jin Guangshan frowned, crouched down to check his meridians, and wondered how on earth this stupid child had been keeping himself up all evening. Life seemed to be slowly escaping him.

Taking a deep, resigned breath, he began to pass him spiritual energy. It made him profoundly uncomfortable, but he wasn’t letting the boy die such a useless death.

“Meng Yao, stop this at once and wake up,” he scolded.

Really, dying of heartbreak? What a nonsense fate for one with Jin blood even if they were a foolish little bastard.

New Chapter

Meng Yao had felt the slow crawl up his chakra points as qi flow became interrupted. His breathing had slowed down and his vision had gone blessedly black. Being unconscious was preferable to his current state. Meng Yao thought he heard someone call him and a part of him rebelled. He didn't want to be called back. But he also could not discern who was calling and hope warred with acceptance of his fate keeping him frozen in the balance. The heat was receding from his skin and instead, he felt like he'd been dipped into an icy lake. Energy was channeling its way through his meridians. He twitched, but his eyes didn't open. As suspicious natured as Meng Yao was, it was surprising that a stranger's energy could move through him this easily without resistance.

Slowly, very slowly, his eyes appeared under his lashes showing the slight gold ring around his otherwise dark gaze, the only trademark he had from his Jin heritage. He blinked slowly and shivered, teeth chattering as if a fever had been dispelled. Though, to the touch, his forehead would be hot. How had he gotten this ill so quickly? To think he had been worried about upsetting Nie Mingjue to protect him from something like this. Fate loved its jokes. He coughed again, expelling the residual blood.

My robes are going to look disgraceful, he thought, dully.

Slowly, he became aware of his benefactor's presence as his mind struggled to clear and ground itself. Apart of him wished this person would leave him alone. Everything hurt. A moment ago, at least he hadn't felt the pain in his wrecked meridians. His breathing evened out, but he continued to shiver. Finally, weakly, he turned his head. His eyes settled on the man crouched before him and he froze in shock.

Meng Yao wished the earth would consume him. This was the absolute last man in heaven or the human realm he ever wanted to be seen by in this mortifying state.

"Jin...Zongzhu?" he managed to get out, though his vocal cords felt like they had fossilized.

His eyes fluttered downward again, but at least they did not fully close

"Mn," Jin Guangshan replied, keeping the flow of qi steady.

The last time he had shared energy with anyone had been when Jin Zixuan was hurt by a fierce corpse during his first night hunt, when his son was only ten years old. He had never experienced fear like that, and he had banned Zixuan from going night hunting until he was fourteen and had proved himself as the best disciple of his age in Jinlintai.

Compared to that, he would only be mildly disappointed, and mostly annoyed if Meng Yao perished here. The boy didn't have to know that, though. He pressed his other hand against Meng Yao's forehead. It was unnaturally warm. He should have enough spiritual energy to stand with his help, however. Jin Guangshan got to his feet and offered his hand.

"Come, I'll bring you to my quarters and call a doctor," he said in his kindest voice. " You're in no condition to be alone right now."

Meng Yao jerked and likely would have pushed the man away if he had had the strength. He still didn't trust Jin Guangshan. He didn't trust any of these sect leaders. But when he realized that he wasn't going to be harmed, he stilled. Though his eyes still watched the man warily. If it didn't make so little sense to save him here and kill him later Meng Yao would have refused. Because there was no reason not to kill him here if that was the man's intention - who would see? And there was a plethora of cultivators and this conference to pin the deed on. Jin Guangshan could have his pick, starting with Nie Mingjue himself.

He felt an uncharacteristic flash of fury at the Nie sect leader. Hadn't it been his fault he'd been found in this humiliating state? How long was he like that? It couldn't have been long. He'd be dead. How much had Jin Guangshan seen? What had he heard? If he hadn't lost so much blood, Meng Yao's ears would probably be red. Resigned, he nodded. It wasn't like he could let anyone else see him like this.

He could technically find Zewu-jun if he didn't look like a fierce corpse at the moment. But...no. He couldn't. Hadn't he learned enough of his lesson about 'kind' sect leaders for one night? No, he could not trust Lan Xichen either. Better the devil he knew.

Meng Yao hesitated as the man's hand hung in front of him. Then stubbornly, though the sweat that beaded around his cheeks and forehead betrayed the pain he was in, he managed to stand on his own. He wobbled, but that was it.

"Many thanks," he responded, hoarsely.

No need not to be courteous. He would bow if he didn't think it would knock him back to the ground. Now that his mind was fully aware, his guard was back up. He was suspicious. No way this man was just there at the right time so conveniently. Not after his eyes had tracked Meng Yao all night. But he would leave it for now.

Jin Guangshan contained an eyeroll at Meng Yao's stubbornness. He looked like he was going to collapse again the moment he tried to take a step unassisted. Oh well. If he fell again it was going to be his own fault.

Jin Guangshan began making his way toward his quarters. He felt the tension in the air, and knew he had to give some sort of explanation for his presence. "I wanted to speak with you, so I came to find you, but when I got here you were already arguing with Nie Mingjue. He left you there a moment after."

Really, what did Meng Yao expect him to do, stab him? They had parted in slightly better terms, hadn't they? There was no need to be this suspicious. Jin Guangshan would tell him exactly what he wanted... Once he stopped being covered in blood and was looking presentable again.

"There will be time for us to talk, right now you should rest."

Yes, rest and have plenty of time to consider who had truly been there for him when things were dire. In a sordid way, Nie Mingjue was the one who had made sure that Jin Guangshan and the son he had not raised had not missed one common yet crucial millstone: that fathers were often right and sons should heed their wisdom. The boy would soon learn.

"What were you thinking, attending this banquet in your condition?" he continued to scold. "Do you wish to die after having just escaped Wen Ruohan's hold? What a waste that would be! I thought you were more responsible than this."

“I’m used to coping with discomfort,” Meng Yao said , still feeling like he was dragging words out of a deep well. “Besides it may have made Nie Clan lose face. It would be irresponsible not to show up.”

This was simply true. It was just that he had pushed it too far this time. And, he had just simply wanted to hold his son and be by Mingjue’s side. His eyes welled again, but nothing spilled. His heart ached when he thought of Minsheng what if Mingjue didn’t let him see him ever again? He shuddered and coughed again. Nonetheless, he plodded on.

“For months I was not sure I would ever do anything this….normal again.”

The words came easily in his still pain induced haze. What if this had damaged his cultivation permanently? Despite his polite rebuffs to the contrary, Jin Zongzhu was correct. This had been foolish.

Well, if Meng Yao was explaining himself at least it meant he was a little bit stronger. Jin Guangshan did notice the way his eyes filled with tears, but he pretended not to. Looking like he was too worried would only make his son even more suspicious.

“It must’ve been dreadful,” he replied. “Rest assured the cultivation world will remain thankful for your service, regardless of Nie Mingjue’s opinion of it.”

Jin Guangshan had to admit he was very impressed himself, especially now that he knew the whole story. When he had come to Jinlintai, it had been obvious Meng Yao was clever and resilient. He had thought him capable of many things, including this all being an elaborate scheme to assassinate him. However, the idea of the boy being a double agent never crossed his mind. And then convincing Wen Ruohan that he had been on his side all along? Impressive. No wonder Wen Ruohan had seen his potential and promoted him in such record time. Exactly what Nie Mingjue had done.

Jin Guangshan wasn’t going to make the same mistake. It was foolish to use someone like Meng Yao as a crutch and give him unlimited access to information and power. Nie Mingjue had been too naïve, thinking Meng Yao was pure and innocent. Wen Ruohan, on the other hand, had been cocky, certain this tiny little cultivator would pose him no threat.

Tonight of all nights his father would praise him. Meng Yao managed a small, grateful smile that was only there for an instant. Well, at least that was something. He would not have to worry about being chased from this gathering as though he were some kind of criminal. Especially not if Jin Guangshan was bold enough to say it. It was just the person he wanted to be near the most that didn't want to look at his face right now. He wondered if his father had heard their exchange about the Nie Captain or if Jin Guangshan just knew Mingjue well enough to know what the man's black and white worldview was like.

"This one is glad," he replied.

Meng Yao, who knew he was clever and quick to see solutions where others did not had surprised himself a little. There was putting on an act and then there was the life he'd led the past month. That was going above and beyond for Meng Yao.

"It was...."

A living a constant bad dream? A waking nightmare? He never allowed himself to really think about it. To feel it. He kept his eyes forward to the day he would be back with the people he loved again. Anything was worth it if he could save that future. Looking at it that way now, it was a bit laughable.

"It was," he said, simply.

His head was aching. A muscle in his temporal kept twitching. Surely no one could blame him for being less than loquacious. He needed to sit.

This was probably the first time Meng Yao had smiled sincerely in his presence, even if it was brief. Good. Without Nie Mingjue's support, he must've realized he couldn't afford to be curt with him anymore.

Jin Guangshan was curious about the details of Meng Yao's stay in Nightless City. Mainly to know which kind of dirty work he was most familiar with, for future reference.

When they reached his quarters, he asked a passing maid to lead them to one of the spare bedrooms he had had them prepare just in case.

"Well, take off those dirty robes and go lie down. I'll have a doctor come see you," he said, ushering him inside. He doubted Meng Yao was strong enough to argue. "Then we will talk tomorrow if you feel up to it."

Once he had gotten the boy into the room, Jin Guangshan closed the door and beckoned his maid closer.

"That one is Meng Yao, my son. If anyone asks about him, tell them you have no idea where he went. Tell all the others to give the same answer." He couldn't let Nie Mingjue near Meng Yao again until he had a stronger hold on him. "Don't let him out of here until I order otherwise. If he insists on leaving, come find me immediately. Ah, and bring him a change of clothes. A set that is actually befitting of his station."

With that, he walked away to return to the banquet.

Meng Yao was in a daze. What? He was leaving him alone now? He felt his anxiety rise. Jin Guangshan was far from his favorite person, but that did not mean he wanted to be alone after what happened. But, Meng Yao wasn't a child and he had already tried clinging to one sect leader this evening. He wasn't going to do that twice.

Besides, he told himself as started the gargantuan task of undressing, there was a doctor coming. Meng Yao was grateful that only the outer robes had taken the damage. He wasn't sure what he would do if he had nothing to wear at all. Standing in his under robe and looking at the pile on the ground, he lamented that there was no wash basin to launder them in. He swayed as the room spun, luckily landing heavily on the bed. He wasn't going to be 'strong' for a while.

He nervously wondered if Huaisang was looking for him, but his eyes were already trying to close. He couldn't do anything in this state. He lay on his side, his cheek pressing heavily into the pillow. At least the bed clothing didn't smell like...him. Meng Yao was asleep by the time the doctor came.

Chapter New

Lan Xichen had worried the moment he had seen Nie Mingjue storm out of the hall and Meng Yao follow a few steps behind. He could read his friend very well, and knew that walk was bad news. He tried not to overthink it, and instead focused on encouraging Lan Wangji to go talk to Wei Wuxian. If things continued down this path, he would have to intervene between those two. Clearly there was some miscommunication happening, or demonic cultivation had actually corrupted Wei Wuxian's mind.

Nie Mingjue and Meng Yao never returned to the banquet, though.

A couple hours later, Lan Xichen excused himself to look for them. He had a bad feeling.

Nie Huaisang looked around frantically. He had gone in the direction that he had last seen Meng Yao, but found nothing but an empty courtyard of blooming spider lilies. Like that wasn’t ominous. Eventually, he had handed a yawning and fussing Minsheng to one of the Nie servants as it was hard to search for someone anxiously with an infant.

He had been with his own friends when he noticed it had been awhile sense he’d spotted his brother or Meng Yao. And at first he thought that it might be impossible for him to ever hold his nephew again the way Meng Yao clung on to him. Emboldened, he figured he would go tell them what he thought of them abandoning him with a fussing Minsheng who hadn’t seen his parents in months - and the room was empty. The sheets were untouched.

He spun around an nearly collided into Lan Xichen.

“Xi-ge!” he said desperately. “Have you seen Da Ge or Meng Yao? Neither are in their assigned room! And everyone I ask hasn’t seen Meng Yao.”

How hard could it be to find Lianfang-zun? He wasn’t that tiny.

Lan Xichen had also been in the courtyard with the eerie red flowers. He had noticed drops of fresh blood on the ground, which had only alarmed him further.

After a while he managed to find a Qinghe Nie maid who informed him Nie Mingjue had requested new accomodations, and didn't wish to be disturbed. He hadn't gotten his friend to open the door, no matter how firmly he asked.

"Mingjue is staying in another room, in his disciples' assigned quarters," he said. "He refused to tell me what happened. He and Meng Yao must've had an argument."

The blood was extremely worrying, if they had fought. He didn't think Nie Mingjue capable of harming Meng Yao physically, but perhaps it had been an accident.

"I don't understand, they seemed so happy at the start of the banquet," he added, crestfallen.

Nie Huaisang’s brow knitted in frustration and worry. “Exactly! They spent the whole morning and afternoon together. And Meng Yao was so happy when he saw A-Sheng that he actually cried. I thought Da Ge was going to marry him right then and there, and now this?”

He knew his brother had suffered a head injury, but this was alarming. If only he could find Meng Yao , then at least he could get someone to explain what was going on.

“ I just don’t buy that no one has seen him,” Huaisang said, suspiciously. “It’s not like he just vanished. He couldn’t wait to come home.”

The gears in Huaisang’s head were turning. Who else at this banquet did Meng Yao know?

“Jin Zhongshu is the only other person here who knows Meng Yao, but Da Ge said he was never kind to him. And all disciples from all clans including Lanling tell me they know nothing.”

Unless someone did know something and was lying.

“Jin Zongzhu is a complicated man. It’s true he wasn’t very warm to A-Yao before, but I don’t think he would do anything to harm him,” Lan Xichen said, thoughtful. “He did leave the banquet for a while, though.”

Whatever had happened, he couldn’t imagine why Meng Yao would be this untraceable, unless he had flown away from that courtyard. “Perhaps he left Nightless City…”

Meng Yao wasn’t the kind to act so recklessly, however. Besides, even if the war was won, that didn’t mean the entire territory was safe to transit. Lan Xichen’s anxiety increased by the second. Was it too paranoid of him to interrupt the celebration to form search parties? Should they head back to Nie Mingjue’s room and demand an explanation?

Nie Huaisang doubted that, though he only knew his brother's impression of the man. He could be biased, but he also knew that Xi-ge could be a little naive at times, which was really being kind.

"Da Ge said that Jin Zongzhu is rotten at his core and someone should perform an exorcism," he recalled, accurately. "And that in Jinlintai all he did was insult Meng Yao - not directly, but he put them in a room with one bed and he also did something to your wine."

He cocked his head as though to ask how these two men had two such conflicting views of the Jin sect leader.

"Meng Yao wouldn't leave Minsheng," he stated, feeling pretty confident about that.

Even if Meng Yao and his brother did have a fight, which after seeing how his brother had overreacted to finding a that peony pendant that Meng Yao had stashed in his desk wasn't surprising, the man loved his adopted child too much to just vanish. More likely, someone who was self-conscious of his every move like Meng Yao was was more likely hiding somewhere to gain his composure.

But what was taking him this long to regain his face? That was the worrisome bit.

Lan Xichen wasn't surprised by that description of Jin Guangshan coming from Nie Mingjue. Things weren't as black and white in his opinion. "He told me he mistook them for lovers, and thought they would be more comfortable staying together. As soon as they said something, another room was provided immediately," he explained. If they had been denied other accomodations, then Lan Xichen would agree the man was completely in the wrong. Besides, his friends' feelings for each other weren't as subtle as they thought they were.

"Yes, he admitted he put wine in my cup intentionally. He apologized. In his defense, he's seen me drink wine before, he just didn't know I burn it with spiritual energy. I couldn't expect him to know I would... behave like I did." Lan Xichen cleared his throat, trying to keep the color from rising to his cheeks when he recalled that incident. "He wanted to ask questions about A-Yao, because he wasn't very willing to talk. I'm not saying he was in the right in any occasion, just that his intentions might not have been so malicious. He was also worried about A-Yao during his mission here."

He nodded when Nie Huaisang mentioned Minsheng. He was right. Lan Xichen had seen firsthand the way Meng Yao gushed over his baby.

"That's true," he whispered. But if he didn't leave, how come no one had seen him? If he was intentionally hiding, Meng Yao would be mortified if they made a huge scandal out of looking for him, or if they needlessly involve his father. Lan Xichen wasn't sure how to proceed.

He took a deep breath. "Let's keep looking ourselves. If he hasn't come out in an hour, I'll talk to Jin Zongzhu."

It still seemed sneaky to Nie Huaisang to find out about Meng Yao that way. Effective, surely. But also an invasion of the smaller man's privacy. Having a pushy sibling who didn't like the word 'no' very much made Huaisang more sympathetic to Meng Yao's side.

"If Jin Zongzhu wanted Meng Yao to trust him, he should have treated him better," he muttered.

However, filial piety being expected, Huaisang doubted too many would be willing to take a fair perspective over tradition. Another thing he sometimes clashed with his brother over. Besides, he rather selfishly did not want Meng Yao to leave Qinghe. His Da Ge was so much easier to live with Meng Yao around to soften his aura.

He noted Lan Xichen's reaction. That bad, huh?

He nodded reluctantly. Trying to talk to his brother when he was like this was like hitting a wall. Huaisang knew. Jin Guangshan might at least be easier to trick into talking, or so he hoped. Maybe Wei-Xiong would know a clever way to go about doing that.

Lan Xichen definitely agreed with that statement. If his goal had been to reconnect with his son, Jin Guangshan had done a terrible job of it. Xichen didn’t think Meng Yao had any obligation towards a father who had been absent from his life, even if tradition suggested otherwise. Still, his friend deserved a family, and if Jin Guangshan’s intentions were honest, he saw no reason why they shouldn’t at least try to build a relationship.

They continued the search, and asking anyone they encountered.

----

Jin Guangshan only stayed a while longer at the banquet, until one of his maids came to inform him that the doctor wanted to speak to him about Meng Yao. Apparently, his son had been unconscious during the examination, and the diagnosis was more serious than he had expected.

After the conversation, a part of him wished he hadn’t bothered with the boy.

He rushed back to the rooms. He needed to give new instructions to his staff, to make sure they would care for Meng Yao properly, and know what to do if he died suddenly. No way he was going to let the cultivation world find out Lianfang-zun had passed away in his care. They must get rid of that body and wash their hands if that happened.

Meng Yao's brow twitched. Even in his state, it was as though his usually active mind was trying to bring him back to consciousness. The herbal scent wafting out of the incense burner was keeping him sedated and calm.

...but medicine like that is expensive, was his confused thought. Herbs like that don't grow everywhere.

He knew, because if he would have been able to afford them then, maybe he could have healed his mother. If that was the case, someone must be taking care of him. Calmed, he sank back beneath the waves of sleep. It was safer there. No one was disappointed in him and he was not afraid of being abandoned. There was nothing to be afraid of, really. Not when everything was this peaceful. No wars to fight or banquets to attend. But a tiny face swam before his mind and he jolted. No. He promised that child that he would not leave him. No, he definitely could not let himself sink too deep.

Meng Yao did not know how much time passed before slowly his eyes blinked open. He felt disoriented. Oh. This wasn't his room. Not the one in Nightless City and certainly not the one he lived in while at Qinghe. This was...the memory of what happened last surfaced and he grimaced. That was right. All of that happened. His body felt heavy.

I must have been really sick.

One of Jin Guangshan's maids reported that Chifeng-zun had locked himself in a room at the other side of Nightless City. She had seen Zewu-jun knock on the door, and heard the other refuse to open it. Another told him Nie Huaisang had been asking everyone about Meng Yao, looking very anxious.

Jin Guangshan had a high appreciation for these girls. They weren't particularly smart, but they served him well. Not many cultivators paid any attention to servants, which made them invaluable ears and eyes. As long as they only discussed their findings with him, of course. The punishment for gossiping was death, and they were very well aware of it.

He had forgotten about Nie Huaisang's existence for a moment, even if he had greeted him at the start of the evening. What was that boy even doing here! He had spent the entirety of the war hiding in Qinghe. Even if they didn't cross paths, he would be annoying to deal with if he raised the alarm about Meng Yao's disappearance immediately.

Sighing, Jin Guangshan opened the door to Meng Yao's room without knocking.

Meng Yao turned his head as he heard the door open. When he saw the Jin sect leader appear he thought, so much for it all being a bad dream.

He did recall Jin Guangshan finding him and feeding him the qi he needed in the crucial moment. He had asked Meng Yao what he was thinking. Looking back it was almost funny. That was the most father-like thing he had ever heard the man say to him. But he was worried. Surely he had caused some undue trouble. Mostly he was worried about how long he had been like this. At least he had woken up in the same place which meant it couldn't be some terribly large gap of time.

"Jin Zongzhu," he greeted weakly, though at least now he was lucid. "How long have I been lying here?"

He tried to sit up slowly. He needed to find Huaisang. Had his son been put to bed yet?

"Not nearly long enough," Jin Guangshan replied. Given his condition when he left him, he hadn't really expected Meng Yao to regain consciousness before tomorrow morning.

He pursed his lips as he saw him sit up on the bed. Where did he think he was going? Stubborn child.

"Lie back down," he ordered. "Meng Yao, you were qi deviating. You were going to die. The doctor said you haven't been taking care of yourself, and you've been straining your golden core for long periods of time. If you don't stop this, there's no saving you. This doesn't go away with a two hour nap. Tell me, do you wish to die so badly?"

Really, did they have to force calming elixirs down his throat in order for him to rest in bed?

A qi deviation? Meng Yao sank back onto the bed looking expressionless. Of course. He should have known that. What else could it be? But he had assumed that it was something less serious that would go away once his qi was regulated.

"But Huaisang will be looking for me. It'd cause trouble if people couldn't find me. I have to get back to my..."

His son. He wasn't sure he wanted to show that kind of vulnerability to this man just yet even if he did need to be grateful to him.

"It'll cause trouble." he finished, lamely.

Sure, his father had saved him. Meng Yao was afraid to hope for anything. Not after what happened just these past few hours. And whatever Jin Guangshan felt about him, he didn't want him to target Minsheng. Huaisang had looked for him, hadn't he? He had to know Meng Yao would not just vanish for two hours without explanation.

Jin Guangshan made a dismissive wave of his hand. "I can deal with Nie Huaisang and Lan Xichen on your behalf."

He doubted anyone else would demand to know anything about the boy.

"The doctor said you must be on bed rest at least for a few days. Then, you must sleep and eat properly, no relying on your golden core. He said it might take a couple of months to be completely healed, so I hope you take this seriously, A-Yao. You need to be strong enough to at least travel with someone on their sword when we leave."

He said it as if it was obvious that Meng Yao would be coming to Jinlintai with them, to see if he argued against it, or asked any questions. Everything might be easier if Meng Yao decided to stay quiet and simply go along with him, though he doubted that would be the case.

He wondered what Meng Yao had been about to say. His what? His partner?

Jin Guangshan had seen him with the baby, who was being introduced as Nie Minsheng. Apparently, this infant was now Nie Mingjue's heir, and Meng Yao hadn't let go of him for even a second. If those two were so romantically involved that Nie Mingjue's rejection had pushed Meng Yao over the edge like this, it wasn't hard to imagine that he might think of the baby as his. However, he found it hard to believe that Nie Mingjue would allow someone who officially was nothing more than an employee to call Nie Minsheng "his son." Still, he filed the information away for consideration.

Meng Yao visibly relaxed at hearing that both Huiasang and Zewu-jun had searched for him. He hadn’t just been forgotten the moment that Nie Mingjue walked away. In hindsight, maybe it had been silly to think that, but he had had a moment when he feared it.

He listened to Jin Guangshan explain about his golden core and his condition and inwardly cringed. He was used to being active. He had never learned to relax and while that might be paradise to someone like Nie Huiasang, it made Meng Yao shudder. Days? Reading couldn’t be considered strenuous. But his head came up with alarm and confusion when the sect leader began talking about leaving. Meng Yao was sure he must be misunderstanding things until the man mentioned Nie Mingjue.

"Besides..." Jin Guangshan added cautiously. "It didn't sound like Nie Mingjue wanted you near his clan.

“He never said that,” Meng Yao said, immediately trying not to sound defensive. “He would tell me himself if he didn’t want me to come home.”

Nie Mingjue was angry. No doubt. But would he go that far? At the very least he had to acknowledge that that wasn’t fair to A-Sheng. So what if Mingjue stuffed him in a room far away from him or never held him again? Though the thought made Meng Yao clench the sheets , he would still have his child to care for. Would he really do this all over one incompetent fool of a captain?

Jin Guangshan sighed. He sat on the chair close to the bed and regarded his son with a mixture of worry and sympathy.

"A-Yao. I warned you about his interest in you. You dismissed it, only to fall into his bed immediately after, and look what happened."

He wasn't speaking in an accusing, or sneering manner. He was merely stating facts, as nicely as he could. He continued:

"Now he thinks you're a traitor. He called you evil, a liar, manipulator, murderer. He didn't hesitate to push you away. What more do you need to understand what's happened? If he takes you back, do you think he will trust you to continue being his deputy? What will you do in Qinghe, aside from being a lowly servant and warming the bed once in a while when he deigns to grace you with his presence?"

Perhaps Jin Guangshan did not know that Meng Yao, for better or worse had a perfect memory.

“ He didn’t say those words,” he said, his jaw set.

He had implied he was traitor, though Mingjue had not called him that. Technically, he had been a double agent and spy.

Jin Guangshan shook his head. "Perhaps not, but he implied it plenty."

Was this boy really that dense and naive when it came to these matters? Nie Mingjue might regret his words later. Still, Jin Guangshan didn't think anything he was saying was a lie. He knew sect leaders, and the way they treated lovers of lesser status.

“He should say so himself. He values honesty so much,” Meng Yao said, bitterly.

But, if Jin Guangshan was so sure that he was only around to warm his sect leader’s bed, then what were others saying? He felt sick.

Meng Yao's teeth sunk into his lip. He knew it was implied. But he wanted Nie Mingjue to say it outright. If he was going to crush his heart, he didn't need to drag it out. Meng Yao needed to be sure that he was not walking away from a family that might, despite everything, still want him.

And he desperately wanted to be wanted by them, even if he wished he didn't and he hate the fact. Besides, what he could do with his promise to Minsheng? He wasn't his father, whatever Nie Mingjue thought. He couldn't abandon his son. But, the points that Jin Guangshan was making about cultivator nobility were certainly not untrue.

"It isn't becoming of a Jin to beg for such scraps," Jin Guangshan added gravely. "Especially for the son of a sect leader. Do you wish to embarrass your father and dishonor your mother's memory?"

There wasn’t any heat in Meng Yao’s words. He, too, was listing facts. He found it all together very bold for the man to say anything to him about his mother’s honor.

“He was angry because I didn’t trust him from the start with everything I was planning and because I made some decisions to ensure our survival that he didn’t like and besides…I’m not a Jin.”

"Except that you are," the Jin sect leader affirmed, refusing to let Meng Yao deny it. "Whether it pleases you or not, you're the second young master of Jinlintai. Are you so quick to deny who you are because Nie Mingjue despises Jins? I know we didn't have the best reunion, but you'll be welcomed back into your rightful home, and whoever claims to love you should be able to accept your family. What kind of love demands you to be an unfilial son?"

A partner who dared to make that demand would be frowned upon by anyone. Probably even by Meng Shi herself. Being a filial son should be above anything else. Jin Guangshan shouldn't have to spell it out for Meng Yao if his mother had taught him well.

"Have you considered the reason he didn't want you in Jinlintai might be because he didn't want you to have a higher status? Because he prefers to have you at his mercy?"

Meng Yao trembled slightly. What if Jin Guangshan was right? Mingjue's reaction to his peony pendant had almost been violent. He'd wanted Meng Yao to destroy it in front of him. Even Huaisang thought it was cruel. So, despite whatever he claimed, no, he had not trusted Meng Yao completely. He was jealous of the attention he gave Zewu-jun too. And Meng Yao had been too shaken from the argument to examine the simple logic of that hypocrisy and too flattered by Mingjue's affection and attention to hold those flaws against him. So he got to be possessive of him until Meng Yao did something he didn't like?

How's that fair? he berated himself. I thought I was being cared for. Was I actually being exploited again?

"He told me..." Meng Yao's voice broke. "He said he loved me. But now he says he doesn't know me. Just because I had to lie about some things did not mean I made it all up. I was as honest as I knew how to be. Why should he be so angry if the sacrifices I had to make saved his life? It's war! Who expects to keep their hands clean in that kind of situation? I couldn't act like a saint and survive in this place. Everything I did I did so I could come home. He has no idea..."

Meng Yao bit off that sentence before he could disgrace himself with more tears. The things he had to see. Even before this war, the things he had to see. How could he turn out to be some innocent little white peony?

"Why doesn't he understand?" he whispered helplessly.

Maybe he would not say these things if were not so weakened and ill, but if Mingjue didn't want him talking to anyone, maybe he should not have left him alone. Besides, he hadn't really said much that anyone did not already suspect.

Jin Guangshan saw on Meng Yao’s face that he was starting to question his own memories. He was even shaking. Ah, this was too easy. Nie Mingjue had probably done most of the work himself by acting like a brute.

“Because his worldview is too simple and limited to account for the situations you’ve found yourself in. Life isn’t as black and white as Nie Mingjue wants it to be, and he’d rather cling to his flawed morality than accept reality for what it is.”

Meng Yao's chin dipped down and he had to stop himself from nodding. Yes, he had been suspecting that about Nie Mingjue's worldview for some time now true. It was really frustrating. He had been nervous the day Nie Mingjue plucked him out of that situation with the other disciples. But was he supposed to remain helpless? One of the things that had made him feel good was that he thought Mingjue saw his talents. If he made a life in Qinghe, would he have to bow his head and hide parts of himself as Huaisang did? Though the younger Nie was clan, it wasn't like Mingjue would toss his own brother away. Good thing too, because Huaisang was terrible at hiding things. He always had ink on his clothes.

"He said he was protecting me," Meng Yao said, quietly.

From you. You DID throw me down the tower stairs.

Meng Yao felt a wave of dizziness. He was conflicted. Had he misunderstood everything? Or was his father just saying what he knew would hurt him most? His whole body was trembling now. His father acknowledged him as a son. But surely, now it was more to his advantage with Meng Yao having a title? Mingjue kept him in their quarters all day to let him rest. Jing Guangshan was telling him to rest. Who was using him? Or was everyone just trying to use him?

Jin Guangshan would continue to act like that day at the stairs had never happened. Meng Yao might have a good memory, but someday he’d surely let it go. It had been so many years ago. He huffed at that weak excuse.

“Protecting you? He was controlling you. He wants to control your every thought and action to make sure you’re a perfect, pure, defenseless flower with no other choice than to accept anything you’re given. If he truly loved you, he would’ve listened to you. He barely even asked you any questions to understand your position. The moment you shattered his fantasy of you, he rejected you.”

Honestly, this romance was bound to end in tragedy, with or without his help. Meng Yao still looked like he was clinging to hope. He must tread very, very carefully.

“Listen, A-Yao... you don’t have to choose between Jinlintai and Nie Mingjue. At least not for me. If he wishes to court you properly, he’s welcome to do so.”

There. He was a lot more reasonable than the oaf, not forcing him to walk away from anyone. Even if he was lying through his teeth.

The boy's head head came up at his father's reassurances. It was hard to hide his surprise and perhaps...relief? Meng Yao was fully expecting Jin Guangshan to be like Nie Mingjue and give him an ultimatum. Did he want him to come back to Jinlintai that badly? So much that he was willing to bargain?

"I don't have to choose?" he echoed, making sure he heard the words.

And would Mingjue ever compromise like this to keep you? a traitorous voice in his mind whispered.

What if the very reason Mingjue was pushing him away was that Meng Yao had the same traits his father had? Had he constructed a fantasy of Meng Yao? And could Meng Yao suppress the traits in himself that his partner despised for years even for Minsheng?

Or, Mingjue might be in shock. Seeing as how Meng Yao being a spy was a huge bit of information to absorb. He might sulk and then realize what he'd done and look for Meng Yao. The fact that Huaisang and Zewu-jun had looked for him warmed him to his soul even though he wished he could wall those feelings out.

“You don’t. If this is how he treats you, though, I don’t think Nie Mingjue will be a good match for you. There are plenty of respectable men in the cultivation world that don’t behave like beasts, or leave you to die in courtyards.” If Nie Mingjue didn’t back off, perhaps Jin Guangshan would have to introduce a few to Meng Yao and hope the boy chose someone else. Someone more agreeable to the kind of work he wanted to have Meng Yao for. “I can’t lock you in a room and forbid you from seeing him. As a father, I can only give you advice.”

Unless the situation became that extreme, of course.

At this point, not even Jin Guangshan himself was sure if he was insisting on this because he liked the prospect of having someone so effective at cleaning messes and silencing undesirables, or if he simply wanted to spite Nie Mingjue.

"You said if would take a day or so of rest to heal," he said, speaking slowly.

It might have been the incense burner or Meng Yao carefully deciding his future steps. Of course, being Lianfang-zun, it didn't have to be mutually exclusive. Huaisang had looked for him. Would Mingjue? Not right away, because he wanted space, but a day? Two days? Surely he'd look or at least ask.

"I...I'll use that time to think," he said. "This one is sorry to have caused difficulties for you."

It felt weird to not be able to bow, but that would have been awkward in his position. He smiled self-deprecatingly.

"I tend to overfocus on my goals at times," he said, which to anyone who knew him was an understatement. "I regret that not paying attention to my health has caused an inconvenience. Could I bother Jin Zongzhu further to tell Huaisang that I did not mean to abandon him with A-Sheng? And Zewu-jun, he really gets fretful when he worries...."

He paused, looking sleepy.

"There was some coin in my robes. To repay you for the medicine."

The idea of Jin Guangshan taking coins from his own son’s robes was so absurd, he didn’t even answer that. Not to mention, those robes had been removed from the room long ago. Besides, if he had his way Lianfang-zun would not need to bother with wearing Nie colors ever again. He was already having Meng Yao's wardrobe made. It was nothing compared to what his wardrobe should be, but, it would at least assure that his son looked appropriate for their trip back to Jinlintai.

It was how it was going to happen, whether Meng Yao wanted to stay in denial of it a while longer or not.

He nodded at the apology. “Let’s just be grateful I was there to stop a tragedy, and you must be more careful from now on. You may trouble me further, but only if you address me properly.”

Wasn’t it time that this boy called him ‘Fuqin’? It was rather demeaning that he didn’t. As if he would do any of this for a random Nie disciple.

Meng Yao thought that Jinlintai was a dream that he had buried long ago. He had made his peace with living out his days at Qinghe as long as Mingjue loved him. They had not come together in the best circumstances and their first intimacy had been in a dirty tavern, but the memory was still bittersweet. Was the man really able to just go on as if it had not happened? As if just hours prior they had not been in each other's arms enjoying the warmth of the other's skin. Was it really so easy for him to hate Meng Yao now? He supposed he would know if the man never came looking for him.

Now, he was grappling with the strange feeling of hearing Jin Guanshan declare himself his father and inviting Meng Yao to return the acknowledgment. The last time he'd met he'd done that too. But Meng Yao had closed off his heart back then. Why did it make him feel relieved now? And absurd or not, Meng Yao always paid people back. He had learned early on that there was not going to be anything given to him freely.

"Thank you...Fuqin," he said, hesitantly feeling as though he were being scolded.

His face felt slightly warm, which he hoped was just the aftereffect of a fever.

"Mingjue was not at his best," Meng Yao conceded, weakly. "He was probably in some shock."

He still did not want to bad-mouth his partner - if they still were that. Knowing Mingjue, he had probably stormed of and locked himself away somewhere without a word to anyone. Probably made Huaisang panic. That man really needed to work on his interpersonal skills. Knowing that his father was at least trying to help him, he supposed he could test the waters.

"I do not wish to leave Minsheng," he admitted, softly. "I already had to leave him for so long. I promised I would not do that again."

He was as much a parent to that child as Mingjue whether the sect leader liked it or not. And he would be too small to understand why Meng Yao was suddenly gone again. Meng Yao wondered if it would actually be worse if he did understand that his parents were fighting.

Jin Guangshan could only hope that Nie Mingjue’s shock increased with the news of Meng Yao being accepted into Lanling Jin and finally calling him father. He said nothing more. He only needed to make sure Nie Mingjue was as irritated as possible when he eventually came by to speak to Meng Yao. If he came at all.

“The baby is Qinghe Nie’s heir,” he said, considering. “However, it isn’t unheard of for two sects to raise a sect leader together. It’s happened before, when the child has strong ties with the main family line of a different clan. It can be beneficial, to broaden the child’s horizons and make their education more complete.” Not to mention give them a stronger alliance, and more influence over Qinghe Nie. “Since we’re neighbors, there should be no issue with Nie Minsheng visiting Lanling.”

Jin Guangshan wondered where that baby had even come from. Why was Meng Yao so attached to him? Was he even related to Nie Mingjue in any way?